As your friend and respected coworker, I think I owe it to all of you to be completely honest. In about seven minutes I am going to take a massive dump in our coed one stall bathroom. This deuce is going to compete with Derek Jeter for being the greatest number two NY has ever seen, so don’t expect me to make the three O’clock meeting. In fact, do you have any heavy reading material? I don’t mean a magazine or anything short. Do you have a copy of Beowulf lying around, perhaps the Old Testament, maybe the complete Oxford Dictionary? I don’t know if it is the fiber cereal, the pumpkin latte, or all those Slim Jim’s, but this is not a day the toilet is going to forget anytime soon. You should probably just go ahead and call the fire department now and have them get their HAZMAT suits ready. Also, I think you all should seal the bathroom shut from the outside once I’m in. That bathroom is gonna need to look like the hatch from Lost when your done. I mean airtight. I would even caulk the keyhole closed so there are no slow leaks. Speaking of slow leaks, I have been keeping my office door closed for a reason today. It smells like an old refrigerator that lost power over someone’s vacation in there. I mean the sounds that my ass has been making since 9am are truly unholy. I let one rip during that conference call to Japan that sounded like flight of the bumblebees being played on a harpsichord. I swear to god they could smell it through the phone because they immediately started speaking Japanese and two of them hung up. Oh yea, and that reminds me, is Nancy pregnant? Her cube is right by the bathroom, so you might want to send her home early. I don’t want to traumatize the poor kid while he/she is still in the womb. Well I better get going, can you hand me that kitchen towel by the coffee maker, this job is going to be to big for toilet paper.