Welcome to Joe’s Coffee. Where we don’t take orders, we suspiciously consider the suggestion that we should give you some of our coffee.

3 Feb

Just fill me up with hot water Joe, I brought my own beans this mornin.


First of all boy, you see that precious little thing sittin over there? That’s called a lady, so I would appreciate it if you took your big city hat off. Second, you’re gonna have to order your drink again, only this time you are gonna say “one coffee please,” otherwise I reckon you wont get what you came here for. You see, we don’t carry any scones, we don’t have any moka jokas, and we sure as hell don’t have any “sized” drinks. Matter of fact, if one size a cup is good enough for the good lord jesus, I’m gonna have to use my powers of assumption and assume that one size is good enough for your nanny ass. Let me ask you something boy, do you know what time it is? Oh hell son! Put that goddamn Japanese space phone back in your pocket, I’ll tell you what time it is. It is 9:30 in the AM. Please tell me you didn’t just wake up boy. My mother, god rest her soul, birthed, burped, and buried my late little sister before sunrise 70 years and one week ago this Sunday, and you have the gumption to walk in here at 9:30, having just wiped the fairy dust from your squinty little eyes. You see John over there? John is enjoying his lunch. John has been awake since 3:30 this morning. John hasn’t slept more than three hours in thirty-eight years. As far as John figures, if a twister can take his farm once when he’s sleeping, a twister can try it again. And where the hell are you going boy? You don’t have on work clothes, and I don’t see any tools. I don’t see you with a loaded gun, and there sure as hell isn’t any shit on your European queer shoes. So, what are you up too? Did you say class? Sweet dancing injun women boy, what do you still need to learn from a school? Let me fill you in on what you ain’t seemed to figure yet. Crops still need water, women still need lovin, holes still need diggin, wars still need fightin, god still needs praisin, and every once in a while a man needs to take a shit. Now considering you clearly ain’t capable of anything but the latter, I suggest you simply walk your ass home. As far as I can ponder, you’re already too far-gone for school to fix ya. You see that mounted on the wall over there. That’s the Joe’s Coffee mission statement. Shit yea it’s a picture. That there is a painting of Andrew Jackson storming Normandy with nothing but a bible and a shotgun. That painting represents our attitude towards customers. Our attitude is that you don’t get nothing in life that you aren’t willing to fight for. You see, you can order whatever you want, but we don’t take orders from nobody. We will suspiciously consider the suggestion that we should give you some of our coffee if you ask for it, but you gotta want it. When you came in here and saw old AJ’s steely gaze staring down at you, did you really think you were gonna get some funny French elixir to cure your lack of purpose by squeeling at us like the nipple fed bitch you seem to be. So lets try this again, do you want some coffee? I said, do you want some coffee? Goddamn it to hell, do you want a cup of Joe boy!!! Well then punch me in the face for it! I said punch me in the face you nancy ass sorry sack of bird balls! I didn’t think so son. Life ain’t like an Ipod commercial, now is it? Now get the hell out of here before I figure out what a scone is and I wake my granddaddy out of his grave to shove it up your behind.

2 Responses to “Welcome to Joe’s Coffee. Where we don’t take orders, we suspiciously consider the suggestion that we should give you some of our coffee.”

  1. terdferguson February 22, 2010 at 4:33 am #

    “Life ain’t like an Ipod commercial.” hahahaaa.

  2. Ovcinie the Genie February 3, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    YES!

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