Until your unborn child’s gender is specified, I will awkwardly be using the pronoun it.

15 Apr

Too late, we already made eye contact, time for me to reference your unborn child


Hey you two lovebirds, I heard the good news! Congratulations! Of course you didn’t tell me the news directly, but I am totally on your Facebook network, so I am taking that as a cue to be intensely interested in your fertility. So, how far along are you? I’m so excited for it to be born, I am sure it is going to be beautiful. Look at you two, it is going to have such beautiful eyes! Do guys have a room for it? You don’t mind if I aggressively touch your stomach right now do you? Of course you don’t. Never mind that you are only two months pregnant. Hmmm, what is the most awkward thing I could say right now? I know, how about comparing your ovaries to breakfast. Looks like the ole man was finally able to scramble those eggs huh, I didn’t know you had it in you buddy. Aren’t you glad that I just said that out loud? I’m sure everyone else in this Panera needed to here that. Speaking of which, I think it is about time I make some insensitive, unwarranted, and ill-advised fat jokes. I’m glad you are pregnant, I thought maybe you were shop lifting a basketball. Also, are you having Siamese twins, because it looks like you’ve already got two chins. Haha, get it? I am calling you fat. Now that’s humor. What’s that, your not even showing yet? Oh yea, sorry about that then, I’m just messin around. Anyways, can you feel it? Is it like moving around inside of you? Being that I am a man, and I couldn’t possibly relate to how you’re feeling, I am just going to say something outrageous right now. I bet it feels like swallowing a goldfish. You know what I mean? The goldfish would still be alive for a little while, you know, just sort of twitching inside of you. Yea, I bet that’s what a growing fetus feels like. Except the fetus doesn’t die after a minute and thirty seconds… Wow, well that killed the conversation. I guess it wasn’t really a conversation though, that was pretty much me reminding you why you never return my calls. Well, good luck with everything. I hope it comes out normal… I mean… not like the actual way it pops out, I mean like… it comes out with only one head type of normal. OK, cool, talk to ya’ll lates.

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