Say my step dad won’t use his dadvantage to crush bar trivia

2 Feb

I'm serious, buy me a beer

If you think my step dad is above getting drunk with my college friends, and using his dadvantage to crush some tweens at bar trivia, you don’t know my step dad at all. You see, on Thursday nights at Crafty’s, my step dad didn’t live a mundane, heartrending, and in many ways pointless life. On Thursday nights, this man’s life had a literally trivial purpose, and as a consequence, Crafty’s bar trivia gets completely owned.

Question 1

“Oh sure, yea he was down there in Georgia for a while. The answer is Jimmy Carter. Yea I’m sure, its goddamn Jimmy Carter. We had a nickname for him you know, and it rhymed with fiddle stitch… get it… you got it… no… we called him little bitch. Jesus, you guys aren’t the quickest gypsies in the wagon are you.”

Question 2

“I actually do know this one. My youngest daughter drove down to NYC to see her. I remember because they didn’t check the goddamn oil before they left. It’s the woman with the meat shirt. Lady Perry, or Katie Ferry, or… oh hell I mean Lady Gaga. Hey sweetie, another round of beers. You know, call me old fashion, but I remember a time when you paid to see a hooker in a meat shirt outside of Madison Square Garden, not inside. Shit, you didn’t even have to hear her sing.”

Question 3

“Anchors Away… classic film. Gene Kelley, final answer.”

Question 4

“No, no, no! I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is Mexico. I promise you, just write it down. Listen, I have literally been to the exact spot it happened. Don’t ask me how. It was so long ago. That is what people did back then, OK. Just write it down. Mexico. Lets order another round.”

Question 5

“Its Arnold Palmer. I watched the whole goddamn tournament. I really never left that crappy apartment. That was a rough year for me, but yea, Arnold Palmer won that year. God you are all so young.”

Question 6

“So, here is the deal, I don’t know what type of drill press they want, but the answer is drill press. I mean technically it could be a radial drill press, or a geared head drill press. Jesus, just write drill press. This ass hole doesn’t know the damn difference. Look at his pants. When I was your age you would have gotten punched for looking like that. You would have gotten punched and called a hippie. You would have gotten punched, called a hippie, and then maybe forced to take a shot. Didn’t we order fries?”

Question 7

“Well, the real answer is Cornish hen, but in my family it might as well have been Wild Turkey. Get it? Wild Turkey. The holidays were nuts growing up. My father really just got smashed all day, we hardly ever even used to… I mean, he was just so drunk. Who had time to cook, you know? We can laugh about it now because… because now it is funny… because so many years have gone by… so many years. Wait, what was the question? Yea, it’s Cornish hen. Lets get more beer.”

Question 8

“…And after that I told myself no more guns in the house, ever. Wait, shit, what did he say? I didn’t hear the question again. I’m pretty drunk. Oh, give me a break, the answer is Star Wars. This is too easy. You know Mark Hamill killed a drunk guy with his car, and did like a whole lot of weird porn? That is what I heard. Want to hear my Chubaka? Well… MRRRRAAAWWWW! Hehe, Chubaka is crazy.”

Question 9

“China won that year. I remember because I remember thinking about their hands. I mean, they have tiny little Chinese hands, I don’t know how they do it. I can say that, right? That isn’t bad, right? I mean, they got tiny little hands, it’s a miracle they can build like they do. I’m not yelling, you’re yelling, now right down the goddamn Chinese answer. What are you all staring at? More beer!”

Question 10

“… So at that point I had had enough, so I stood up and said “I’ll pay for the divorce, I’ll hire your lawyer, and I’ll even get a cab that takes you to your lovers house, but before god as my witness, I am going to finish my goddamn english muffin!” It was intense. Everyone at the diner was listening, one guy even clapped. Anyways, that’s how I know the answer is 1991… Anyone else want two hot dogs.”

Question 11

“OK guys, its crunch time. We are shooting 100% so far, so lets finish strong. This is like that Slumdog Millionaire movie, only less Indian, less dancing, and it would be less gay if Tim weren’t drinking diet coke. I’m still calling you out on that kiddo, I didn’t forget. Oh, and there isn’t no effing million dollars within rifle distance of this whole goddamn town. OK listen… everyone listen up… the answer is Hogan’s Heroes. Ha, I am good. Whisper*How do you like me now girl? What? Oh, I’m just talking to myself… whisper* but how do you like me now girl, I’m still kickin aren’t I? Screw you guys, maybe yourrrr creeping me out, ever think of that. Someone drive my car home, I’m walking. These Nachos in my pockets need a new home, and fast. Later gators…”

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