When and why is this crap?

I am the New York City day droplet, heretic prince of dripping liquids.

From upon high, I await my prey. Silently, I gather strength. Pregnant with kinetic energy and epic filth, I buy my time. Ah, there you are my friend. There you are with no hat on. You are a silly man to not wear a hat. Let me show you that you are silly. Let me birth myself from my unholy womb and spill wretchedly into the ether. My birth is but a fraction in a zero sum equation, because my birth is the death of your morning.

Fweeuuuhh ker-plop*

Cringe as you feel the weight of my infectious cargo. Shutter at the impossible amount of surface tension I possess. Marvel as the energy pauses, transfers, and explodes like a fat kid’s bathing suit after an ill advised jumping jack. I hope you weren’t enjoying that “California frittata,” because my disease ridden liquid shrapnel has covered it fully. Not so California now is it? Unless California means something worse than Bangladeshi flood water.

Whats that? What are you looking for? Where did I come from? Alas, no mortal can answer that question. This is New York. I fell from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Why, it certainly isn’t raining. No, there are no overhanging structures from which I could have logically departed. Let us just say this, I’ve been around. Take a deep breath and consider my ingredients.

1 part scaffold sauce
1 part pigeon butt
1 part hipster scarf extract
1 part overwhelmingly dull New Yorker article juice
1 part last ounce of Manhattan tribal blood
1 part evicted minority child’s tears from rent being too damn high
1 part Alex Rodriguez’s body wax
1 part ambiguously Asian rapid bus transit
1 part kid from high school who makes more money than you
1 part girl you never dated but you tell people you did
1 part Yoga pants
1 part unnecessarily large add for not so prime time hour long TNT legal drama
1 part audience sweat from slightly old and overly enthusiastic 106 and Park fan
1 part truth http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

Say I won’t add pumpkin to everything

Exec 1 – Run your idea by me again, I’m not sure I understand, so you’re saying we put pumpkin… in everything?

Exec 2 – Exactly, pumpkin in everything.

Exec 1 – Why pumpkin?

Exec 2 – OK, so here is the pitch. It is common knowledge that fall, like the average consumers life, is worthless. Fall is the bastard child of summer that winter can’t kill fast enough. By the time October rolls around people need some kind of gimmick to continue living. I mean for Christ’s sake, kids hurl their bodies into piles of dead plants during fall… for fun. What kind of season is that? Anyways, the gimmick we are going to give them is pumpkin.

Exec 1 – OK, I get it, we need a gimmick, but pumpkins? Pumpkins suck. They are the worst vegetable… or fruit… or whatever the hell they are, that you could possibly think of. They are heavy, they smell, and they aren’t really good for anything. People only buy pumpkins for Halloween?

Exec 2 – I beg to differ. Let me tell you a story about Jim. Imagine Jim wakes up on a brisk Fall Thursday and heads to work. Jim feels groggy. What does Jim need?

Exec 1 – I don’t know, a cup of coffee?

Exec 2 – Wrong, its fall, so Jim needs a cup of pumpkin coffee.

Exec 1 – Go on, I’m intrigued.

Exec 2 – After Jim’s pumpkin coffee, Jim has a piece of pumpkin bread. At lunch Jim orders a bowl of pumpkin soup. For dinner Jim has pumpkin ravioli and a tall pumpkin beer. For dessert, Jim has a good ole piece of American pumpkin pie.

Exec 1 – I like it, but I see one glaring problem. Most of what you describes sounds disgusting. I mean Pumpkin ravioli? Pumpkin beer? That sounds terrible.

Exec 2 – Very true, but here is the best part. We are barely going to be putting any pumpkin into these products at all. If these things were really made of pumpkin they would taste like shit, which is literally what raw pumpkin tastes and looks like. So instead of adding lots of pumpkin, we are going to add almost no pumpkin at all… and then jack up the price.

Exec 1 – Brilliant, we can jack up the price and say its fancy or something. Kind of like we did with “Chilean” Sea Bass, whatever that means haha. Lets do it! Role out the new pumpkin products this month and see how they sell.

Two Months Later

Exec 1 –My lord! I’ve never seen numbers like this. The pumpkin products are selling like hot cakes. People really love pumpkin infused shit. It’s like they have some sort of primal pumpkin lust. Shit, if you could cut a hole in pumpkins I bet people would… haha, well you know.

Exec 2 – You can cut holes in pumpkins…

Exec 1 – …

Exec 2 – …

Exec 1 – Ummm, yea. So, anyways, lets talk more about this tomorrow.

Exec 2 – Yea, maybe that’s a good idea.

You don’t think I’ll write a song about this street?

You are sorely mistaken my friend. My best friend Lucy Six Strings and I wrote this gem in my studio last night. Not a music studio, mind you, but my studio apartment. That, my friend, is called authenticity. You see, I moved to New York City for the street credit, so you all better give me credit for living on this street. It takes a special type of person to just up and move to the big apple with nothing but a dollar and a dream. Of course by “dollar” I mean 75,000 dollars that were begrudging withdrawn from my fathers IRA, and by “dream” I mean a commercially manufactured idea of what it means to be creative. So listen up folks, here is my newest track entitled “Three Word Band Name”

Bip beba de dope, dobby duap
bop bedope doey, dobe duap
I’m playing four chords, all in a row
A little off beat, and slightly to slow
I slap my guitar after every chord
I bet you’ve never heard that style before
The band that I’m starting needs a cool new name
I’m thinking three words is the secret to fame
So here is a list that I’ll sing a cappella
Arbitrary words that I strung all together

Bebop a dodop and it goes like this…

Light House Jones, Stair Way Days,
Burning Down Virginia, Great Eight Jays
Foster Parent Cookies, China Doll Crime
Mr. Ed’s Vengeance, Running Outa Time
Quality Blue Crayon, Biscuits n Love
Retro Virus Answer, Baby Face Glove
Under Paid Strippers, Pony Butt Problem
Tasty Mc What, Interns in Autumn

These were all good, but I needed a gimmick
So I threw in street names, to make it authentic

51st and Sexy, Broadway House Basement
Park Ave Jesus, East Even Pavement
Upper East Slide, Mercer Intha Middle
Union Square Dance, No Ho Fiddles
Holland Chunnel Tunnel, West 9th Clouds
Beaver Street Dame, Tryon out Loud…

Say I won’t beat level one of this battle…

1“Predator drone Zulu Seven to tower, over.”

2“This is tower, go ahead.”

1“Permission to blow up barn to see what happens?”

2“…Say again Zulu Seven.”

1“Permission to attack barn with hellfire missile to see what happens?”

2“…Negative, continue surveillance”

1“OK… permission to continue mission, but when I’m finished with mission can I blow that barn?

2“Again, negative, you are being ordered to hold your fire.”

1“…This is gay”

Your Jersey Shore theme party required very little shopping shopping?

Soup isn’t food

Soup isn’t food. This isn’t Ireland. This isn’t a prison camp. You want to know how soup got started? Somebody had a whole bunch of normal food that they accidentally got wet, and then tried to play it off like it was good. “No, I like it this way, all wet, it’s delicious.” Lies! Soup is a joke. If adding soggy crackers improves the dish, it isn’t food. If you are talking to me about soup for dinner, I am going to say the same thing I’d say if you asked me about central Mexico… Don’t even go there.

Say I won’t set the record straight

Cows don’t go moo

Cows don’t go moo. Cows go merrrrrawwww. Why the hell are you teaching me this shit anyways. When the hell am I going to talk to a cow? I don’t know any cows. I live in New York. When is the next time I am going to hear a goat? Ducks don’t go quack. Ducks don’t have the phonic skills to pronounce a Q-U sound. Ducks don’t even have lips. Maybe ducks go errraannt. Maybe. This whole scene is bullshit. When am I going to learn how to tell time?

GitRDoneAmericaSuperBowlILoveQuesoJustNotMexicans

I believe that cliché comments about toughness, made by men in make-up with pastel pocket squares, are in no way ironic. It makes sense to me that when you talk about a guy playing football, you need to preface your statement by saying, “when you talk about a guy.” Unnecessary comments are sometimes very necessary. Language like “smash-mouth, hard-nosed, north-to-south, and looking-to-put-points-on-the-board” are useful ways to describe an offense in motion, because they help us differentiate between the team that wants to win, and the team that doesn’t want to win. I believe that people like Ron Jaworski are the authority on weather, sports injuries, other people’s intentions, camera technology, blimp aerodynamics, stadium design, food, and history. I totally get why these topics frequently come up during live commentary. When a Fox sports broadcaster says the word “brave” during the national anthem, (As a high def camera zooms in on a female soldier while A-10’s fly low over the stadium) I believe the shit out of him.

I believe that a loose interpretation of the bible allows ample room for me to get drunk on a Sunday and yell sexual obscenities at Fergie during halftime. I believe in playing a drinking game that revolves around expensive commercials. I believe that the previous two sentences were the confusing recurring nightmare of the first Native American to see a white person rowing towards the beach. In a way, the Super Bowl provides me with a snapshot of what I imagine life was like in the 50s’ – wife in the kitchen, child slightly scared of me, I am drinking. I am Don Draper’s less successful brother. The Super Bowl makes me feel like Ron Draper.

I believe in Pittsburg having a black coach. I believe in this being referenced as part of a contractual obligation in a broadcasting deal. I think coach Tomlin has helped football make “great strides” towards something. It is super comfortable for me when race is brought up in discussions about football, because football is in no way segregated at every position on and off the field. There is absolutely nothing unsettling about a room full of white men on national television describing a young black man as a “beast, horse, animal, or monster” and then describing a white player as a “field-general, blue-collar guy, having heart not just athletics, and heady.” This has nothing to do with race. America’s past is not complicated. I am saddened that I never got to hear Pat Summerall say “swagger.”

I believe that the city of Pittsburg has a historical economic connection to an industry that is loosely associated with strength. Therefore, it is perfectly appropriate to make outlandish statements regarding the character of individual players on the Steelers who were raised in California and Florida. I think that Steelers players are “tougher” and that Packers players “are used to the cold.” The logic behind these assumptions is stalwart. On a similar note, I believe that there is a strong institutional memory within the locker-room of every pro sports team. Super Bowls played well before the birth of current players are relevant, and fair game to be referenced liberally as causal factors. Historical events are always on the minds of players during games, and they affect the outcomes of individual plays.

I believe in animatronic robots on the bottom of my screen. I yearn for the day that a small robot does the “dougie” on my television while Hank Williams Jr. sings in the background. My dream may come true. I am unaware that there is a one-to-one correlation between people who get unnecessarily excited about Super Bowl halftime commercials, and people who get unnecessarily upset with Obama when they have had a bad day. I am very unhealthy. I will need expensive health care in the near future. I will want it to be affordable. I hate Arabs. I love America. I believe in the Super Bowl.

This I believe.

I'm serious, buy me a beer

Question 1

“Oh sure, yea he was down there in Georgia for a while. The answer is Jimmy Carter. Yea I’m sure, its goddamn Jimmy Carter. We had a nickname for him you know, and it rhymed with fiddle stitch… get it… you got it… no… we called him little bitch. Jesus, you guys aren’t the quickest gypsies in the wagon are you.”

Question 2

“I actually do know this one. My youngest daughter drove down to NYC to see her. I remember because they didn’t check the goddamn oil before they left. It’s the woman with the meat shirt. Lady Perry, or Katie Ferry, or… oh hell I mean Lady Gaga. Hey sweetie, another round of beers. You know, call me old fashion, but I remember a time when you paid to see a hooker in a meat shirt outside of Madison Square Garden, not inside. Shit, you didn’t even have to hear her sing.”

Question 3

“Anchors Away… classic film. Gene Kelley, final answer.”

Question 4

“No, no, no! I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is Mexico. I promise you, just write it down. Listen, I have literally been to the exact spot it happened. Don’t ask me how. It was so long ago. That is what people did back then, OK. Just write it down. Mexico. Lets order another round.”

Question 5

“Its Arnold Palmer. I watched the whole goddamn tournament. I really never left that crappy apartment. That was a rough year for me, but yea, Arnold Palmer won that year. God you are all so young.”

Question 6

“So, here is the deal, I don’t know what type of drill press they want, but the answer is drill press. I mean technically it could be a radial drill press, or a geared head drill press. Jesus, just write drill press. This ass hole doesn’t know the damn difference. Look at his pants. When I was your age you would have gotten punched for looking like that. You would have gotten punched and called a hippie. You would have gotten punched, called a hippie, and then maybe forced to take a shot. Didn’t we order fries?”

Question 7

“Well, the real answer is Cornish hen, but in my family it might as well have been Wild Turkey. Get it? Wild Turkey. The holidays were nuts growing up. My father really just got smashed all day, we hardly ever even used to… I mean, he was just so drunk. Who had time to cook, you know? We can laugh about it now because… because now it is funny… because so many years have gone by… so many years. Wait, what was the question? Yea, it’s Cornish hen. Lets get more beer.”

Question 8

“…And after that I told myself no more guns in the house, ever. Wait, shit, what did he say? I didn’t hear the question again. I’m pretty drunk. Oh, give me a break, the answer is Star Wars. This is too easy. You know Mark Hamill killed a drunk guy with his car, and did like a whole lot of weird porn? That is what I heard. Want to hear my Chubaka? Well… MRRRRAAAWWWW! Hehe, Chubaka is crazy.”

Question 9

“China won that year. I remember because I remember thinking about their hands. I mean, they have tiny little Chinese hands, I don’t know how they do it. I can say that, right? That isn’t bad, right? I mean, they got tiny little hands, it’s a miracle they can build like they do. I’m not yelling, you’re yelling, now right down the goddamn Chinese answer. What are you all staring at? More beer!”

Question 10

“… So at that point I had had enough, so I stood up and said “I’ll pay for the divorce, I’ll hire your lawyer, and I’ll even get a cab that takes you to your lovers house, but before god as my witness, I am going to finish my goddamn english muffin!” It was intense. Everyone at the diner was listening, one guy even clapped. Anyways, that’s how I know the answer is 1991… Anyone else want two hot dogs.”

Question 11

“OK guys, its crunch time. We are shooting 100% so far, so lets finish strong. This is like that Slumdog Millionaire movie, only less Indian, less dancing, and it would be less gay if Tim weren’t drinking diet coke. I’m still calling you out on that kiddo, I didn’t forget. Oh, and there isn’t no effing million dollars within rifle distance of this whole goddamn town. OK listen… everyone listen up… the answer is Hogan’s Heroes. Ha, I am good. Whisper*How do you like me now girl? What? Oh, I’m just talking to myself… whisper* but how do you like me now girl, I’m still kickin aren’t I? Screw you guys, maybe yourrrr creeping me out, ever think of that. Someone drive my car home, I’m walking. These Nachos in my pockets need a new home, and fast. Later gators…”

Seriously... What the hell were you doing down there?

Juan – “I guess I had some copper on my shoe, but I lost it on the way up.”

“Hmmm, OK Juan, did you hear that noise? That was the noise of your memory being deleted from my head because you’re dead to me. You know what, actually screw it. Everybody back in. No, you shut up. Shut up! Back in the hole. You first Juan, and maybe you should bring some copper in with you so you have something to bring me back this time. Jack ass.

Claire – “eh”

Madison – “I totally know what you mean. Are you feeling better? You twittered a sad face this morning, and when I saw you this evening at whole foods buying sorbet you were even making a sad face with your real face, and I was like thinking that she is totally not feeling well today.”

Claire – “Yea, I am not feeling well at all. You know when you are having one of those days when you wake up and you feel like you might be getting sick, and you have all this stuff to do, and you kind of miss your ex boyfriend, even though you don’t really, but you kind of do, and you feel like you need water, or maybe tea, or even just like some stuff so your not all like blah feeling?”

Madison – “I know exactly what you mean. I totally felt that way like a week ago. It was raining outside, my DVR was broken, it was an odd day on the calendar, and I was like I am NOT feeling it today. Plus I had totally like eaten something carby the day before and I was like this day is not going to be good. I was really sick.”

Claire – “God, I know right. That’s why I missed work today. I was plagued by nondescript symptoms and indescribable ailments.

Madison – “Did you call in sick and talk to Erica?”

Claire – “Well, to be completely honest, do you remember the conversation the three of us had at the holiday party? When I told her about my haircut.”

Madison – “Yea, and she was all like it looks fine to me.”

Claire – “Yea, well today was not the day I needed to be talking to her because frankly since that day I feel like she is just a…

Madison – “…Insensitive whore alien from planet fat arms?”

Claire – “Exactly!”

Madison – “I understand, aren’t our combined feelings of hatred towards her both founded and rational. Anyways…”

Claire – “Anyways… The worst part of my alleged illness is that it is preventing me from enjoying any of my favorite activities. It has permeated my very being. It is just so ambiguously influential.”

Madison – “That makes so much sense! Last week I was using my symptomless illness as an excuse to completely self indulge, and my blanket felt totally scratchy the entire time I was watching Glee. On top of that, the Healthy Choice penne pasta I was eating had this thing in it!”

Claire – “Ewwwww, a thing!?”

Madison – “I know, Yuck. It was like this thing. I don’t even know what it was. I was really sick. I just switched to straight cookie dough, but even that didn’t make me feel better.”

Claire – “Not even cookie dough worked? I was just about to try that too. I was also thinking about bitching about things that I am secretly happy about. For example, if cookie dough doesn’t work, and I really don’t feel like eating, I am going to lose like 3 pounds. Which is totally annoying cause I’m just going to gain it back.”

Madison – “You are soooo not gaining it back, like you need to lose it, pshaaaw”

Claire – “Awwww that actually made me feel better. As it turns out, the cure to my sickness was actually just hollow compliments.”

Madison – “Yea, that’s how I got over my illness as well. Don’t you hate being sick.”

In celebration/anticipation of Say I Wont’s 20,000 hit, I have decided to let the readers vote on the next topic. Simply click on the topic you would like me to cover and I will try my best to boldly address the chosen topic in my next post. Once the next post is written, it will need roughly 1,000 hits to get to 20,000. This means that the next post will have to be the fourth most popular post ever. Once I get to twenty thousand hits I can enter the blog into some contests and stuff, so if you like the blog pass it on to a friend. Feel free to keep the blog as anonymous as possible, it is better that way. Say I won’t say thanks. Lets do this.
View This Poll

Three words boss. Above. Ground. Pool. Now who is jealous.

My roof santa is superior to your lawn santa. My roof santa is located on top of my roof. Your lawn santa is located helplessly on your lawn. The superior elevation of my roof santa gives my santa a tactical advantage in our battle for yuletide supremacy. My rooftop santa pierces the darkness with esthetically pleasing rays of electric Christmas joy. Your lawn santa reeks of homelessness and despair. You should move your lawn santa to your roof. Your children will not get into college.

These super bowl ads are hilarious. Look at that duck. Look at what that duck is saying about this product. I am serious, stop talking to your wife and aggressively watch this commercial with me. Hey Dillon, shut the hell up and pick up that toy! I am trying hard to watch these commercials. Sorry I raised my voice. I didn’t get this last commercial because I didn’t hear what the squirrel said, shit. I bet a lot of money on this game. These commercials help me keep my mind off the game. Squirrels can’t really talk, but it is funny when they can.

Sorry Kate, hockey is for boys, gymnastics is for girls. I know you want to play hockey like your brother Mikey, but you can’t. You are a girl. Girls take gymnastics. You will take gymnastics and you will like it. You will identify with what I perceive to be feminine activities. Mikey is playing hockey so he won’t be gay, and you are taking gymnastics so you don’t get fat. If you take gymnastics you will get to wear makeup at your performances. You will be wearing makeup at a very young age. This will start a chain reaction that I am currently oblivious to. Years later a guidance counselor will accurately describe you as a slut in the teachers lounge.

Look at my lawn, but don’t effing step on it. Just look at that sexy lawn. That’s my baby. Man is that a plush rug of weed free turf. You see that strip between my house and the Cohen’s house? You see how it stretches all the way out to the walk. I claimed that strip of land. Every time I mow the lawn I mow another eighth of an inch over to my territory. I’ve stolen two feet this year and that jerk-off hasn’t even noticed. Five years back Dan Cohen called up city hall and had them come down here with survey tools to map his property. That strip is definitely his, but he doesn’t realize I stole it right underneath his goddamn nose. This strip here is like my own little Gaza… I said those last to things because he is Jewish.

Well guess what, I am voting for the other guy. I haven’t followed a single word of the debates, and I couldn’t tell you a single issue on the table, but my guy looks a little more like my father, so that is that. I am going to follow you to the voting both and cancel your vote the second you walk out. Then I am going to go to the car wash and get the deluxe car wash because that is what I deserve. Later, I will change my mind about my guy and wish I voted for your guy. Eventually, I will convince my subconscious that I actually did vote for your guy. In time, we will talk about how bad the other guy is and I will call him a bitch. I call people that are really objectionable bitches. My wife can be a real bitch.

OK, fine, so we had a few beers. I don’t go around talking trash about your book club or your shopping trips. This is America, can’t a man tuck his polo into his khaki shorts, holster his blackberry on the side of his belt, and go watch Monday night Football at Hooters with his work friends. You know… I don’t even… you know a lot of women out there would be happy to have me around. I don’t even know what I meant by that, I’m really sorry. Tomorrow I am going to go out and buy our family an above ground pool.

If you don't want me roasting your girl, keep her in her cage B.

Is that your girl right there, or did Greg Oden just get out of hibernation and put on a Bea Arthur wig? Was that a drive by shooting, or did your girl just jog around the corner with her knee’s knockin that hard? To be honest, I don’t even mind that your girl has a moustache. I just want to know how she grew it on the back of her neck? Is that your girl over there trying to blow a bubble, or did someone teach that gorilla how to beat box? Also, can you just tell your girl they won’t put a cake and candles in her Taco Bell Big Box? It’s not her birthday, and she is holding up the line. Damn your girl is fat! Uh oh, is your girl trying to rob me? Oh wait, that’s just her cookie dough lip-gloss switchblade. If I’d known your girl was going to use my vacuum cleaner for her butt crack I would have put in a fresh bag before she barrowed it, now it’s all jammed up with M&Ms. Did your girl really name her first child Jackinda Box, that’s just messed up? And can you please get your girl to shave her palms! Her handshake scratches more than a crack head DJ with head lice. Tell your girl if she is gonna wear donut hole earrings she can’t keep trying to bite them in church, she is causing a scene! And did your girl really mount a microwave in your bathroom and then take a “staycation” in there for spring break? I saw your girl at Starbucks yesterday with a Glen Davis jersey on drinking a double shot of bacon fat. She was trying to check her email on a light bright. Damn your girl stupid! Tell your girl next time she eats a Turducken on her lunch break she can go ahead and leave her shirt on. We don’t mind a stained shirt, but no one needed to see that stomach! Your girl’s belly button looked like an old Hershey kiss that had been dropped into a dusty vat of mashed potatoes! Also, if I had a third nipple I wouldn’t name it “left eye” and talk to it. That’s just drawing attention to it.

I think the statement I am making is that I hate love, but I am so lonely I am confused

Top ten Anti-Valentines Day ideas that are bound to backfire

10) I would tell you not to drive to Canada for a night of icebreakers in your mandatory business casual attire, but I have a feeling no one will be making this trip. Wow this seems terrible. P.S. I really hope this site still shows single people in go-carts at the top.

9) Please don’t go to this party. Do you really want to dig through all the old pictures of your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? Didn’t think so. Your ex isn’t thinking about you right now, do you really want to be thinking about him/her. Also, don’t underestimate how unattractive your ex’s photo will look when compared to everyone else’s.

8.) To be fair, I am trying to be funny, but I couldn’t have made this up. Whatever you do, don’t go to the circus by yourself and then adopt a pet! I couldn’t possibly think of anything lonelier. I am speechless.

7) No! Don’t buy these candies! Are you sending these to someone as a joke? Are you serving them at your bitter singles only party? It doesn’t matter. No one wins. Most of these have no humorous value. They are just devastatingly accurate.

For example, “PEAKED AT 17.” – Ouch, that one is going to hit home for 65% of the ladies out there. “4EVER ALONE” – Get it? The 4ever means forever, as in – you will die alone, now thats a knee slapper. “RETURN MY CDS” – Who really uses CDs anymore? This one reminds the reader that, not only is he/she not dating, he/she hasn’t dated since 2002. Last but not least, “SO SO LONELY.” – Wow, now we’re laughing. I can see the police reading this one now, “No foul play here Sergeant, look at the candy in her pocket, definitely a suicide.”

6) Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Arbor Day, I don’t care… don’t hang out with either of these people. I can’t tell what bothers me more… that this question was asked, or that it was so expertly answered?

5) This Anti-V-Day you probably shouldn’t listen to Linkin Park in your room while sketching gothic themed pencil drawings.

Also, you probably shouldn’t sew patches on your backpack after you’ve finished arbitrarily ripping holes in your jeans.

4) This Anti-V-day, don’t just sit there Indian style on a dock with Jeff Daniels Dumb and Dumber hair. Don’t blame yourself for the inconveniences of a time traveling island. Also, don’t half-heartedly toss your engagement ring into a lake with your left hand, especially when there is a hotty boom boody sitting next to you. Put a ring on it buddy!

3) I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this person hates Valentines Day more than you do. Just do me a favor and stay away from this site.

2) Are you feeling lonely this Anti-Valentines Day? Why don’t you play this ghetto ass game? Watch as the marginally attractive, semi-literate, and fully unengaged host explains the process. The best line of this video is definitely, “and we’ve got darts, so…” It’s almost like she throws herself off of her game when she realizes the audience members might have a 90″ by 90″ cork board at their house. Also, do you think the director yelled cut several times during filming to yell, “more sadness, I want more defeat, think more lonely people!” He definitely took the wind guard off the boom mic on purpose by the way. There is a desert wind sound softly blowing in the background to remind you how alone you are, nice.

1) Don’t go to a strip club. I know what your thinking, what better way to stick it to the happy couples out there then by watching some 19 year old gyrate her way to minimum wage? Let me respond to your question with a question of my own, have you ever been silently judged by a stripper? It doesn’t feel good. Imagine your lonely dollar, laying crumpled on the Windex polished stage, in some way a metaphor for your life, as the stripper leans over to pick it up. Now imagine the look she will be giving everyone. Her mouth will say nothing, but her look will say everything. Her look will say, “I may be a stripper, but you’re here on Valentine’s Day, so we’re in the same boat. In fact, I just took your money. For that reason alone, today is the day that I am better than you. Thank you for your dollar, may the lord have mercy on your soul.” There is also the chance that you will run into this guy while he is doing stripper outreach. You will feel so guilty your heart will break in half cartoon style and your shadow will walk away from you disgusted. Still want to go to the club? Didn’t think so.

What? I wasn't touching you. Would you rather I not not touch you?

Some critics of the move have referenced the continued decline of public confidence in the legislative process. Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA) spoke out by saying, “Once again we are seeing the Republican Party undermine the wishes of the American people, the political process isn’t fully broken, but they (the Republicans) are trying their best to break it. I’m sure that the average American doesn’t fully understand how almost touching someone’s face while chanting I’m not touching you undermines the political process, but they do understand that a jobs bill is needed to help out Main Street, and people really love Main Street.”

Others have faulted Democratic lawmakers for not employing more aggressive methods. Arianna Huffington stated publicly “…if you have the people watching you, and the president behind you, you need to make the sausage quickly and put dinner on the table, not draw the process out. It is time to show political fortitude, I don’t care how many fingers are being waved in your face.” This statement was in reference to her support for a proposed Democratic counter measure that includes a quick knee tap to McConnell’s balls, followed by quickly telling President Obama that McConnell is just faking injury to get Democrats in trouble.

Harry Reid was visibly frustrated yesterday evening, and he let his feelings be known to the press. “See, this is what I’m talking about. The Republicans are so immature! I can’t read anything when I have fingers wiggling in my face. The worst part is, he’s not technically touching me, so what can I really do? I can’t ask him to not not touch my face. If I asked him to not not touch my face, I bet he would be like OK, and then start touching my face all over. And that my friends, would be exponentially worse.”

Your New Year's resolution is to avoid drama? Uh oh, this night might get weird

Don’t worry, this one’s on me. Clink*…To appreciating what you have right in front of you! Cheers! Man, for being mostly vodka that went down easy, lets have another. No? OK, we can wait another five minutes. It totally sucks that your boyfriend is out of town by the way. I’m not saying anything about him of course. I’m sure he has legitimate business to take care of in Miami on New Years Eve. I just imagine it must be hard with him leaving you behind constantly. Anyways, I’m glad you’re finally with somebody who makes you… well, at least marginally happy, some of the time. Remember last New Years, when we were both single for a brief period of time, and you were like, “Dating is totally overrated, if we are single much longer we should just get married to each other.” Hahahahahaha, remember when you said that? That was really funny because we are just friends, but us being together is totally believable in some ways… which is what makes it funny… its believability. Here, drink this Vodka Tonic. We really have been friends for a long time though. I guess we are such good friends because of the deep ineffable feelings of tenderly caring we have for each other, which by the way is literally the definition of love… hahaha I’m just kidding… not about the definition of love part, that is what love means… I’m just being silly though, hehe, listen to me ramble on. Anyways, what do you think of this bar? It is large enough to maintain a celebratory atmosphere but small enough so we couldn’t possibly lose each other. I’m glad we didn’t go to that huge party all of our other friends went to. Who needs all those other people, I feel like we have everything we need right here… don’t you? Here, drink this shot of SoCo and lime. Man these are going down soooo easy. What was that? No. Of course I haven’t been going through your purse, is something missing? Your Iphone! Oh no, do you mean to tell me that the only means with which you have to communicate to your boyfriend has inexplicably disappeared, almost as if by fate? Bummer. Well, everything happens for a reason I guess. What’s that, you were really looking forward to hearing his voice at midnight? Hmmm thats nice, not to instantly change the subject but I named this play list after you on my Ipod touch.
I was watching Nick and Nora’s infinite playlist the other night and it reminded me of you, so I figured I would throw something together. Here drink this Gin and Tonic. Woaaa there look at the time. It’s 11:59, do we have time for one more drink? No, OK? What’s that, no I’m not sweating profusely, someone spilled a drink on me earlier… speaking of spilling things I errr… I really need to tell you something. It’s just that… well… I have been thinking… wait who the eff is that? Oh shit, is that your boyfriend who just walked in. How is this happening, I thought he was in Miami! Please stop hugging me, I promise you I did not set this up! Oh no, the ball is about to drop and everyone else is standing up, why is he getting on one knee? NOOOOOOOOOO! …shit, was that out loud… I meant Happy NOOOOOeeewww Year… man this is awkward. Ummmmm so I guess I might as well give you your phone back now, happy new year.

I was the oldest person at the Fiddy concert this year, whatchyou know about dat?

You don’t think I can peacock with the best of them? Are you kidding me brohan? I have been peacocking my whole life bro. Check it out… last night I did push-ups in the bar bathroom before I bought a drink, just so my arms would look bigger when I held out my money at the bar. Do you know anyone else who wants attention that bad? Didn’t think so boss. Of course my money was in a money clip, I went to the bank that day solely to get hundred dollar bills. Don’t ever doubt the lengths I will go to in order to be noticed. Still not convinced? You must not have been at the park the other day when I was playing basketball. Yes, I demanded we play shirts and skins even though it was 55 degrees outside and we all knew each other. No, it doesn’t matter that we were playing two on two, it is important that I am shirtless any time kinetic energy is used. How else would people be able to see me shirtless? Lets be serious, I take my shirt off for everything. Jogging? Shirt off. Football? Shirt off. Dance floor? Shirt off. Failed job interview? Shirt and Tie off. Watching “Troy” on my laptop with the lights off while drinking red bull? Shirt and … I mean, just shirt off. Also, don’t let these dog tags fool you, I have never served this country honorably, these dog tags are for peacocking purposes only. These tags just have both my self-proclaimed nicknames stamped on them. One says “G-Force” and the other says, “Nuff said” You know why I call myself “nuff said” hoss? Because look at me man, nuff said. Anyways, let me think, how else do I peacock? Lets talk about all the things I shout in public to get noticed. For example, I yelled “pussy” at the gym so loud yesterday I was asked to leave, I talk about my balls at restaurants all the time, and I yell all of the lyrics from the song “I love college” as loud as I can whenever I am cruising in my Highlander. You better not get on my nerves, because I will drop slurs like it is nobody’s business. I will even combine slurs in order to draw attention to myself when I yell them. That’s right, don’t make me call you a fagtard! And whatever you do don’t ever let me see you, or your buddy Nick, come down to my city ever again!

The Vin eclipses your ideas like the effing moon!

Did you really think I would let you get through your presentation with that weak ass Venn diagram? Sit your ass down. Let me show you a real diagram… bitch. BAM! I just called your traditional graphic model and raised you one bad ass VIN DIESEL diagram! Let me put this song/video up on the screen real quick and start my presentation. Just to clarify your original shitty idea, you proposed we cut costs by cutting back in our accounts payable department. Well guess what, if Vin Diesel were here he would literally punch you in the heart with both hands! You know what his idea would be? Vin Diesel would propose we stop being such gaytards and we start hiring strippers to counter fit money for us! Have you seen Triple X? Maybe you just know it as XXX. I mean have you seen that movie!?!? Well… I lost my train of thought. Anyways, no matter how you write it the VIN DIAGRAM ALWAYS WINS. What? No you don’t need to call security. I feel very secure with this diagram up on the screen! Somewhere Vin Diesel is doing push ups on top of a girl planning his next move, and all you can propose is some bitchy cost cuts? Remember when Vin Diesel teamed up with that other guy in 2 Fast 2 Furious in order to put the effing hurt on like 60 weaker dudes via the use of insane motor vehicles? Do you remember that? THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! Seriously, why aren’t we rocking tricked out whips all the live long day? VRRROOOMMM bitches! Horsepower for days! Ok, ok, ok… I’ve calmed down. Put the pepper spray down… not like it would do anything. Hey, so seriously what do you think? Let’s call Vin right now and see what he thinks. I have every phone number he has ever used right here in my pants. Why are you all ignoring me? Make eye contact with me when I am screaming at you! What’s that? That’s what you think, I’ll restrain you! Get some, aughhhhhhh!

Where Google should have taken the poor guy

This post is dedicated solely to the funniest phrases that have been entered into Google this month and unexplainably led confused browsers to this blog. Here are the ten strangest Google searches I have found in the word press stats register. Enjoy!

10.) “Decorating ideas for girls room” – Unfortunately for some fetus out there a girl’s nursery just got the words “Say I Won’t!” painted all over it in rainbow colors. Google fail.

9.) “Pakistani origin UK racism site” – OK, let me sort this one out. Someone was looking for a racist website in Great Britain. More specifically, they wanted an anti Pakistani website. Hmmm, does Google somehow know about my random and unbridled hatred of Pakistani people and their culture? Does Google know about my spring break trip to Peshawar?

8.) “Blog naked” – This one made me think. Does this guy want to blog naked? Is this guy looking for a blog about being naked? Is this even a guy? Is it a girl? I’d like to think it was a hot girl simply describing how she likes to blog, and then typing that description into Google, and then Google knowing exactly where hot naked chicks should be directed. P.S. I tried Googling this search term and I found some particularly shitty blogs. In my opinion, if you’re going to have the word naked in your blog title you owe it to the world to write an awesome blog. Jackasses.

7.) “Diem boob job mtv” – So I did my research on this one. Apparently there was a girl on MTV Road Rules named Diem Brown, and she may or may not have had a boob job. Also, her name was in a blog post on this site 3 months ago. After a thorough investigation I have determined that she is hot. Now I wonder, how annoyed was this fourteen year old boy when he typed in “Diem boob job mtv” and got directed here? I just Googled that phrase and I can assure you I was sent places far from this blog.

6.) “My naked butt” – What? I mean, what was this person looking for, their own butt? Whatever they were looking for I guarantee they didn’t find it here at SayIwont. Maybe this person was looking for some sort of post, video, or picture that someone else put up of his or her butt. Who knows? Well, at least it doesn’t get weirder than that… oh wait.

5.) “Death by chin strap beard” – We lose so many R & B singers this way, if only we could find a cure. Seriously though, what on earth? Was someone out there taking such good care of their chin strap beard, keeping it so tight that they actually thought it might kill them? WordPress won’t tell me who made this search but I have my suspicions.

4.) “Vejina” – Ahhhh yes, this one speaks for itself. Someone spelled vagina wrong and as a consequence, perhaps punishment, Google sent him/her here. That is funny no matter what I say.

3.) “I’m looking at him pompously and continuously” – Ummmm yea, so that is the creepiest Google search I have ever seen! How did that lead this crazy person to my site? This is not good. I don’t want this persons arrogant looks anywhere near my blog, no matter how continuous they are. For the life of me I can’t imagine any scenario that would make that Google search normal.

2.) “Guys taking their pants off NFL” – I really hope NFL Films actually has the video this guy is looking for. Imagine if they did. It would probably have the famous NFL big band theme music rumbling in the background and it would also have to be narrated by Pat Summerall. In between some close up shots at some point Dennis Green’s voice would have to be spliced in… “They were who we thought they were!”

1.) “How to say sorry herpes” – … Where to begin? Rather than make jokes about this search I think I’ll just help this poor bastard out and share with him/her how I handled my last issue of this sort. Check out the cake I made at the top of this post. I wish the yummy cookie goodness would flare up every two months too!

As your friend and respected coworker, I think I owe it to all of you to be completely honest. In about seven minutes I am going to take a massive dump in our coed one stall bathroom. This deuce is going to compete with Derek Jeter for being the greatest number two NY has ever seen, so don’t expect me to make the three O’clock meeting. In fact, do you have any heavy reading material? I don’t mean a magazine or anything short. Do you have a copy of Beowulf lying around, perhaps the Old Testament, maybe the complete Oxford Dictionary? I don’t know if it is the fiber cereal, the pumpkin latte, or all those Slim Jim’s, but this is not a day the toilet is going to forget anytime soon. You should probably just go ahead and call the fire department now and have them get their HAZMAT suits ready. Also, I think you all should seal the bathroom shut from the outside once I’m in. That bathroom is gonna need to look like the hatch from Lost when your done. I mean airtight. I would even caulk the keyhole closed so there are no slow leaks. Speaking of slow leaks, I have been keeping my office door closed for a reason today. It smells like an old refrigerator that lost power over someone’s vacation in there. I mean the sounds that my ass has been making since 9am are truly unholy. I let one rip during that conference call to Japan that sounded like flight of the bumblebees being played on a harpsichord. I swear to god they could smell it through the phone because they immediately started speaking Japanese and two of them hung up. Oh yea, and that reminds me, is Nancy pregnant? Her cube is right by the bathroom, so you might want to send her home early. I don’t want to traumatize the poor kid while he/she is still in the womb. Well I better get going, can you hand me that kitchen towel by the coffee maker, this job is going to be to big for toilet paper.

If you don’t know you better ask someone

Born into a snowy land,
on a salt potato bag.
44 across his back,
40 ounces in both hands.

The girl angels didn’t come,
but all the locals still had fun.
Gifts, of course his ass got none,
The Kings got stuck on 81.

Teenage years just having fun,
Say Yes to Education son.
Lacrosse the only sport he won,
SUNY Potsdam here we come.

Disciples? What? He made no friends,
went to class in sweats and Timb’s.
Sold drugs to the Manhattan kids,
caught with weed so college ends.

Miracles? You must be kidding.
Worked two weeks? You know he’s quitting.
Wescott Street? You know he’s hitting.
Drunk as shit in Thordon sitting.

Give his life for all our sins?
WTF you think this is?
Don’t give a shit, no shit to give,
…unless of course Cuse Bball wins.

For that he’d leave this mortal world,
Figures hell at least has girls.
Sells his soul out by “the” mall,
The devil owns it after all.

Melo and Gerry signed that year,
Upstate Jesus’s time was near.
Where did he go, you didn’t hear?
At Warrick’s block he disappeared.

Ascended up from Chuck’s he did,
With some frat guys girlfriend.
What you think this story ends?
He had like 15 North Side kids!