AOL announces release of Boók

15 Jul Boók

On July 15, 2012, AOL announced the release of the Boók, surprising the online community and marking the company’s first foray into the tablet reader market.

The Boók is designed to compete with other popular e-readers such as the Nook, Kindle, and Ipad. The Boók does not include wireless connectivity, E link display, or touchscreen capability of any kind. Instead, the Boók relies on patented real touch technology and operates from a paper-based platform.

Technolog editor James Harrow describes the Boók as “more of an experience than your typical E-reader. What the Boók lacks in features, it makes up for in simplicity and ease of use. It’s almost exactly like reading a book.”

AOL hopes to capitalize on the Boók’s success and replace its image as the company that people only remember when they use their old IM screen names as passwords for banking or when they spell LOL wrong while texting.

The Boók’s highlighted capabilities include:

  1. Pages – Pages allows readers to flip from one sheet of paper to the next using a single finger. Each page contains text that relates to previous pages and allows the reader a continual reading experience.
  2. Pictures – Depending on the model of Boók you purchase, the Boók can contain various images to support the story you are reading. Pictures add context to the story and are often fun to look at. The Boók is capable of supporting nudity.
  3. Duralast Technology – The Boók is very hard to damage. You can throw the Boók off of a ninety story building and it is pretty much fine. It will get sort of bent and stuff, but I mean whatever, it is like ten bucks.
  4. Note Taking – For an additional 99 cents, the Boók can come with the AOL Pencell that can be used for note taking, drawing, and highlighting your Boók. The Pencell is comparable to the Samsung Galaxy Note S – Pen, which is a lot like the SGP Kuel stylus, which is sort of like the Griffin Ipad stylus, which is essentially a pencil that is incapable of writing. The Pencell is better because you can write with it.
  5. Boók share – You can give your Boók to anybody you want, you just have to ask them to give it back. Sharing your Boók with a friend after highlighting passages with the Pencell allows for a smug unspoken exchange of intellectual superiority.
  6. Green Disposal – The Boók is 100% biodegradable and can be discarded much like any other paper product. Other readers take 300 to 500 thousand years to dissipate naturally. If you chuck your Boók in your backyard it will be pretty much gone in like four years.

Say I Won’t – The lost half posts…

9 Aug

When and why is this crap?

That’s right. Deep within the recesses of MS Word, burning a hole through the hard drive, lurking with infinite purpose, were the half posts. Now they want to come out and play. Be careful, the half posts raise more questions than they answer…

I am the New York City day droplet, heretic prince of dripping liquids.

From upon high, I await my prey. Silently, I gather strength. Pregnant with kinetic energy and epic filth, I buy my time. Ah, there you are my friend. There you are with no hat on. You are a silly man to not wear a hat. Let me show you that you are silly. Let me birth myself from my unholy womb and spill wretchedly into the ether. My birth is but a fraction in a zero sum equation, because my birth is the death of your morning.

Fweeuuuhh ker-plop*

Cringe as you feel the weight of my infectious cargo. Shutter at the impossible amount of surface tension I possess. Marvel as the energy pauses, transfers, and explodes like a fat kid’s bathing suit after an ill advised jumping jack. I hope you weren’t enjoying that “California frittata,” because my disease ridden liquid shrapnel has covered it fully. Not so California now is it? Unless California means something worse than Bangladeshi flood water.

Whats that? What are you looking for? Where did I come from? Alas, no mortal can answer that question. This is New York. I fell from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Why, it certainly isn’t raining. No, there are no overhanging structures from which I could have logically departed. Let us just say this, I’ve been around. Take a deep breath and consider my ingredients.

1 part scaffold sauce
1 part pigeon butt
1 part hipster scarf extract
1 part overwhelmingly dull New Yorker article juice
1 part last ounce of Manhattan tribal blood
1 part evicted minority child’s tears from rent being too damn high
1 part Alex Rodriguez’s body wax
1 part ambiguously Asian rapid bus transit
1 part kid from high school who makes more money than you
1 part girl you never dated but you tell people you did
1 part Yoga pants
1 part unnecessarily large add for not so prime time hour long TNT legal drama
1 part audience sweat from slightly old and overly enthusiastic 106 and Park fan
1 part truth

Say I won’t add pumpkin to everything

Exec 1 – Run your idea by me again, I’m not sure I understand, so you’re saying we put pumpkin… in everything?

Exec 2 – Exactly, pumpkin in everything.

Exec 1 – Why pumpkin?

Exec 2 – OK, so here is the pitch. It is common knowledge that fall, like the average consumers life, is worthless. Fall is the bastard child of summer that winter can’t kill fast enough. By the time October rolls around people need some kind of gimmick to continue living. I mean for Christ’s sake, kids hurl their bodies into piles of dead plants during fall… for fun. What kind of season is that? Anyways, the gimmick we are going to give them is pumpkin.

Exec 1 – OK, I get it, we need a gimmick, but pumpkins? Pumpkins suck. They are the worst vegetable… or fruit… or whatever the hell they are, that you could possibly think of. They are heavy, they smell, and they aren’t really good for anything. People only buy pumpkins for Halloween?

Exec 2 – I beg to differ. Let me tell you a story about Jim. Imagine Jim wakes up on a brisk Fall Thursday and heads to work. Jim feels groggy. What does Jim need?

Exec 1 – I don’t know, a cup of coffee?

Exec 2 – Wrong, its fall, so Jim needs a cup of pumpkin coffee.

Exec 1 – Go on, I’m intrigued.

Exec 2 – After Jim’s pumpkin coffee, Jim has a piece of pumpkin bread. At lunch Jim orders a bowl of pumpkin soup. For dinner Jim has pumpkin ravioli and a tall pumpkin beer. For dessert, Jim has a good ole piece of American pumpkin pie.

Exec 1 – I like it, but I see one glaring problem. Most of what you describes sounds disgusting. I mean Pumpkin ravioli? Pumpkin beer? That sounds terrible.

Exec 2 – Very true, but here is the best part. We are barely going to be putting any pumpkin into these products at all. If these things were really made of pumpkin they would taste like shit, which is literally what raw pumpkin tastes and looks like. So instead of adding lots of pumpkin, we are going to add almost no pumpkin at all… and then jack up the price.

Exec 1 – Brilliant, we can jack up the price and say its fancy or something. Kind of like we did with “Chilean” Sea Bass, whatever that means haha. Lets do it! Role out the new pumpkin products this month and see how they sell.

Two Months Later

Exec 1 –My lord! I’ve never seen numbers like this. The pumpkin products are selling like hot cakes. People really love pumpkin infused shit. It’s like they have some sort of primal pumpkin lust. Shit, if you could cut a hole in pumpkins I bet people would… haha, well you know.

Exec 2 – You can cut holes in pumpkins…

Exec 1 – …

Exec 2 – …

Exec 1 – Ummm, yea. So, anyways, lets talk more about this tomorrow.

Exec 2 – Yea, maybe that’s a good idea.

You don’t think I’ll write a song about this street?

You are sorely mistaken my friend. My best friend Lucy Six Strings and I wrote this gem in my studio last night. Not a music studio, mind you, but my studio apartment. That, my friend, is called authenticity. You see, I moved to New York City for the street credit, so you all better give me credit for living on this street. It takes a special type of person to just up and move to the big apple with nothing but a dollar and a dream. Of course by “dollar” I mean 75,000 dollars that were begrudging withdrawn from my fathers IRA, and by “dream” I mean a commercially manufactured idea of what it means to be creative. So listen up folks, here is my newest track entitled “Three Word Band Name”

Bip beba de dope, dobby duap
bop bedope doey, dobe duap
I’m playing four chords, all in a row
A little off beat, and slightly to slow
I slap my guitar after every chord
I bet you’ve never heard that style before
The band that I’m starting needs a cool new name
I’m thinking three words is the secret to fame
So here is a list that I’ll sing a cappella
Arbitrary words that I strung all together

Bebop a dodop and it goes like this…

Light House Jones, Stair Way Days,
Burning Down Virginia, Great Eight Jays
Foster Parent Cookies, China Doll Crime
Mr. Ed’s Vengeance, Running Outa Time
Quality Blue Crayon, Biscuits n Love
Retro Virus Answer, Baby Face Glove
Under Paid Strippers, Pony Butt Problem
Tasty Mc What, Interns in Autumn

These were all good, but I needed a gimmick
So I threw in street names, to make it authentic

51st and Sexy, Broadway House Basement
Park Ave Jesus, East Even Pavement
Upper East Slide, Mercer Intha Middle
Union Square Dance, No Ho Fiddles
Holland Chunnel Tunnel, West 9th Clouds
Beaver Street Dame, Tryon out Loud…

Say I won’t beat level one of this battle…

1“Predator drone Zulu Seven to tower, over.”

2“This is tower, go ahead.”

1“Permission to blow up barn to see what happens?”

2“…Say again Zulu Seven.”

1“Permission to attack barn with hellfire missile to see what happens?”

2“…Negative, continue surveillance”

1“OK… permission to continue mission, but when I’m finished with mission can I blow that barn?

2“Again, negative, you are being ordered to hold your fire.”

1“…This is gay”

Your Jersey Shore theme party required very little shopping shopping?

Soup isn’t food

Soup isn’t food. This isn’t Ireland. This isn’t a prison camp. You want to know how soup got started? Somebody had a whole bunch of normal food that they accidentally got wet, and then tried to play it off like it was good. “No, I like it this way, all wet, it’s delicious.” Lies! Soup is a joke. If adding soggy crackers improves the dish, it isn’t food. If you are talking to me about soup for dinner, I am going to say the same thing I’d say if you asked me about central Mexico… Don’t even go there.

Say I won’t set the record straight

Cows don’t go moo

Cows don’t go moo. Cows go merrrrrawwww. Why the hell are you teaching me this shit anyways. When the hell am I going to talk to a cow? I don’t know any cows. I live in New York. When is the next time I am going to hear a goat? Ducks don’t go quack. Ducks don’t have the phonic skills to pronounce a Q-U sound. Ducks don’t even have lips. Maybe ducks go errraannt. Maybe. This whole scene is bullshit. When am I going to learn how to tell time?

This I believe – I believe in the Super Bowl

5 Feb


I believe in the Super Bowl.

I believe that cliché comments about toughness, made by men in make-up with pastel pocket squares, are in no way ironic. It makes sense to me that when you talk about a guy playing football, you need to preface your statement by saying, “when you talk about a guy.” Unnecessary comments are sometimes very necessary. Language like “smash-mouth, hard-nosed, north-to-south, and looking-to-put-points-on-the-board” are useful ways to describe an offense in motion, because they help us differentiate between the team that wants to win, and the team that doesn’t want to win. I believe that people like Ron Jaworski are the authority on weather, sports injuries, other people’s intentions, camera technology, blimp aerodynamics, stadium design, food, and history. I totally get why these topics frequently come up during live commentary. When a Fox sports broadcaster says the word “brave” during the national anthem, (As a high def camera zooms in on a female soldier while A-10’s fly low over the stadium) I believe the shit out of him.

I believe that a loose interpretation of the bible allows ample room for me to get drunk on a Sunday and yell sexual obscenities at Fergie during halftime. I believe in playing a drinking game that revolves around expensive commercials. I believe that the previous two sentences were the confusing recurring nightmare of the first Native American to see a white person rowing towards the beach. In a way, the Super Bowl provides me with a snapshot of what I imagine life was like in the 50s’ – wife in the kitchen, child slightly scared of me, I am drinking. I am Don Draper’s less successful brother. The Super Bowl makes me feel like Ron Draper.

I believe in Pittsburg having a black coach. I believe in this being referenced as part of a contractual obligation in a broadcasting deal. I think coach Tomlin has helped football make “great strides” towards something. It is super comfortable for me when race is brought up in discussions about football, because football is in no way segregated at every position on and off the field. There is absolutely nothing unsettling about a room full of white men on national television describing a young black man as a “beast, horse, animal, or monster” and then describing a white player as a “field-general, blue-collar guy, having heart not just athletics, and heady.” This has nothing to do with race. America’s past is not complicated. I am saddened that I never got to hear Pat Summerall say “swagger.”

I believe that the city of Pittsburg has a historical economic connection to an industry that is loosely associated with strength. Therefore, it is perfectly appropriate to make outlandish statements regarding the character of individual players on the Steelers who were raised in California and Florida. I think that Steelers players are “tougher” and that Packers players “are used to the cold.” The logic behind these assumptions is stalwart. On a similar note, I believe that there is a strong institutional memory within the locker-room of every pro sports team. Super Bowls played well before the birth of current players are relevant, and fair game to be referenced liberally as causal factors. Historical events are always on the minds of players during games, and they affect the outcomes of individual plays.

I believe in animatronic robots on the bottom of my screen. I yearn for the day that a small robot does the “dougie” on my television while Hank Williams Jr. sings in the background. My dream may come true. I am unaware that there is a one-to-one correlation between people who get unnecessarily excited about Super Bowl halftime commercials, and people who get unnecessarily upset with Obama when they have had a bad day. I am very unhealthy. I will need expensive health care in the near future. I will want it to be affordable. I hate Arabs. I love America. I believe in the Super Bowl.

This I believe.

Say my step dad won’t use his dadvantage to crush bar trivia

2 Feb

I'm serious, buy me a beer

If you think my step dad is above getting drunk with my college friends, and using his dadvantage to crush some tweens at bar trivia, you don’t know my step dad at all. You see, on Thursday nights at Crafty’s, my step dad didn’t live a mundane, heartrending, and in many ways pointless life. On Thursday nights, this man’s life had a literally trivial purpose, and as a consequence, Crafty’s bar trivia gets completely owned.

Question 1

“Oh sure, yea he was down there in Georgia for a while. The answer is Jimmy Carter. Yea I’m sure, its goddamn Jimmy Carter. We had a nickname for him you know, and it rhymed with fiddle stitch… get it… you got it… no… we called him little bitch. Jesus, you guys aren’t the quickest gypsies in the wagon are you.”

Question 2

“I actually do know this one. My youngest daughter drove down to NYC to see her. I remember because they didn’t check the goddamn oil before they left. It’s the woman with the meat shirt. Lady Perry, or Katie Ferry, or… oh hell I mean Lady Gaga. Hey sweetie, another round of beers. You know, call me old fashion, but I remember a time when you paid to see a hooker in a meat shirt outside of Madison Square Garden, not inside. Shit, you didn’t even have to hear her sing.”

Question 3

“Anchors Away… classic film. Gene Kelley, final answer.”

Question 4

“No, no, no! I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is Mexico. I promise you, just write it down. Listen, I have literally been to the exact spot it happened. Don’t ask me how. It was so long ago. That is what people did back then, OK. Just write it down. Mexico. Lets order another round.”

Question 5

“Its Arnold Palmer. I watched the whole goddamn tournament. I really never left that crappy apartment. That was a rough year for me, but yea, Arnold Palmer won that year. God you are all so young.”

Question 6

“So, here is the deal, I don’t know what type of drill press they want, but the answer is drill press. I mean technically it could be a radial drill press, or a geared head drill press. Jesus, just write drill press. This ass hole doesn’t know the damn difference. Look at his pants. When I was your age you would have gotten punched for looking like that. You would have gotten punched and called a hippie. You would have gotten punched, called a hippie, and then maybe forced to take a shot. Didn’t we order fries?”

Question 7

“Well, the real answer is Cornish hen, but in my family it might as well have been Wild Turkey. Get it? Wild Turkey. The holidays were nuts growing up. My father really just got smashed all day, we hardly ever even used to… I mean, he was just so drunk. Who had time to cook, you know? We can laugh about it now because… because now it is funny… because so many years have gone by… so many years. Wait, what was the question? Yea, it’s Cornish hen. Lets get more beer.”

Question 8

“…And after that I told myself no more guns in the house, ever. Wait, shit, what did he say? I didn’t hear the question again. I’m pretty drunk. Oh, give me a break, the answer is Star Wars. This is too easy. You know Mark Hamill killed a drunk guy with his car, and did like a whole lot of weird porn? That is what I heard. Want to hear my Chubaka? Well… MRRRRAAAWWWW! Hehe, Chubaka is crazy.”

Question 9

“China won that year. I remember because I remember thinking about their hands. I mean, they have tiny little Chinese hands, I don’t know how they do it. I can say that, right? That isn’t bad, right? I mean, they got tiny little hands, it’s a miracle they can build like they do. I’m not yelling, you’re yelling, now right down the goddamn Chinese answer. What are you all staring at? More beer!”

Question 10

“… So at that point I had had enough, so I stood up and said “I’ll pay for the divorce, I’ll hire your lawyer, and I’ll even get a cab that takes you to your lovers house, but before god as my witness, I am going to finish my goddamn english muffin!” It was intense. Everyone at the diner was listening, one guy even clapped. Anyways, that’s how I know the answer is 1991… Anyone else want two hot dogs.”

Question 11

“OK guys, its crunch time. We are shooting 100% so far, so lets finish strong. This is like that Slumdog Millionaire movie, only less Indian, less dancing, and it would be less gay if Tim weren’t drinking diet coke. I’m still calling you out on that kiddo, I didn’t forget. Oh, and there isn’t no effing million dollars within rifle distance of this whole goddamn town. OK listen… everyone listen up… the answer is Hogan’s Heroes. Ha, I am good. Whisper*How do you like me now girl? What? Oh, I’m just talking to myself… whisper* but how do you like me now girl, I’m still kickin aren’t I? Screw you guys, maybe yourrrr creeping me out, ever think of that. Someone drive my car home, I’m walking. These Nachos in my pockets need a new home, and fast. Later gators…”

70 days underground… and you didn’t mine anything?

13 Oct

Seriously... What the hell were you doing down there?

“Let me get this straight. You were down there for seventy straight days and seventy straight nights, with absolutely nothing to do, and you didn’t manage to mine a single thing? You couldn’t find any copper. None… You. Found. No. Copper. Its funny, you know, that you didn’t find just a little copper, not even a morsel of copper ore. Do you want to know why it’s funny? Because you were in a goddamn copper mine! Is this a union thing? What, are we not giving you enough time off? If you ask me, which you most certainly haven’t, it looks like you just took SEVENTY STRAIGHT DAYS OFF! So, while you were are all celebrating your “huge success” and kissing your wives you should have kissed something else goodbye, your Christmas vacation. That’s right, your seventy-day staycation just cost you all of your vacation and comp time. You do realize we put a video camera down there on day sixty, right? We were watching all of your anti-mining antics. Can you explain this little get together by any chance?

Looks to me like strip dominoes followed by a toastmaster’s session. I noticed something else in that video by the way, you were all surrounded by sweet copper loaded crustal rocks. Not one of you thought to maybe grab a handful of copper. Jose, on day forty-four you didn’t get the urge to maybe just mine a little? I thought I knew you. None of you, not once, got the urge to just mine a tiny bit. You know why I was cheering when they hoisted you guys out? I figured your pants were stuffed with diamonds. Nope. No diamonds, and no balls either apparently. What about you Juan, all you ever talk about is mining copper. What do you have for me?”

Juan – “I guess I had some copper on my shoe, but I lost it on the way up.”

“Hmmm, OK Juan, did you hear that noise? That was the noise of your memory being deleted from my head because you’re dead to me. You know what, actually screw it. Everybody back in. No, you shut up. Shut up! Back in the hole. You first Juan, and maybe you should bring some copper in with you so you have something to bring me back this time. Jack ass.

Say girls won’t confuse having a bad day with being sick

25 Aug

Madison – “What’s up girl?”

Claire – “eh”

Madison – “I totally know what you mean. Are you feeling better? You twittered a sad face this morning, and when I saw you this evening at whole foods buying sorbet you were even making a sad face with your real face, and I was like thinking that she is totally not feeling well today.”

Claire – “Yea, I am not feeling well at all. You know when you are having one of those days when you wake up and you feel like you might be getting sick, and you have all this stuff to do, and you kind of miss your ex boyfriend, even though you don’t really, but you kind of do, and you feel like you need water, or maybe tea, or even just like some stuff so your not all like blah feeling?”

Madison – “I know exactly what you mean. I totally felt that way like a week ago. It was raining outside, my DVR was broken, it was an odd day on the calendar, and I was like I am NOT feeling it today. Plus I had totally like eaten something carby the day before and I was like this day is not going to be good. I was really sick.”

Claire – “God, I know right. That’s why I missed work today. I was plagued by nondescript symptoms and indescribable ailments.

Madison – “Did you call in sick and talk to Erica?”

Claire – “Well, to be completely honest, do you remember the conversation the three of us had at the holiday party? When I told her about my haircut.”

Madison – “Yea, and she was all like it looks fine to me.”

Claire – “Yea, well today was not the day I needed to be talking to her because frankly since that day I feel like she is just a…

Madison – “…Insensitive whore alien from planet fat arms?”

Claire – “Exactly!”

Madison – “I understand, aren’t our combined feelings of hatred towards her both founded and rational. Anyways…”

Claire – “Anyways… The worst part of my alleged illness is that it is preventing me from enjoying any of my favorite activities. It has permeated my very being. It is just so ambiguously influential.”

Madison – “That makes so much sense! Last week I was using my symptomless illness as an excuse to completely self indulge, and my blanket felt totally scratchy the entire time I was watching Glee. On top of that, the Healthy Choice penne pasta I was eating had this thing in it!”

Claire – “Ewwwww, a thing!?”

Madison – “I know, Yuck. It was like this thing. I don’t even know what it was. I was really sick. I just switched to straight cookie dough, but even that didn’t make me feel better.”

Claire – “Not even cookie dough worked? I was just about to try that too. I was also thinking about bitching about things that I am secretly happy about. For example, if cookie dough doesn’t work, and I really don’t feel like eating, I am going to lose like 3 pounds. Which is totally annoying cause I’m just going to gain it back.”

Madison – “You are soooo not gaining it back, like you need to lose it, pshaaaw”

Claire – “Awwww that actually made me feel better. As it turns out, the cure to my sickness was actually just hollow compliments.”

Madison – “Yea, that’s how I got over my illness as well. Don’t you hate being sick.”

Say I won’t let the readers do the work

21 Aug

Hello Internet,

In celebration/anticipation of Say I Wont’s 20,000 hit, I have decided to let the readers vote on the next topic. Simply click on the topic you would like me to cover and I will try my best to boldly address the chosen topic in my next post. Once the next post is written, it will need roughly 1,000 hits to get to 20,000. This means that the next post will have to be the fourth most popular post ever. Once I get to twenty thousand hits I can enter the blog into some contests and stuff, so if you like the blog pass it on to a friend. Feel free to keep the blog as anonymous as possible, it is better that way. Say I won’t say thanks. Lets do this.