Girls getting more attractive and more sad? Say I won’t know this already!

29 Jul
Down here in Strong Island we call this the perfect storm!

Down here in Strong Island we call this the perfect storm!

Studies show girls have been getting more attractive?

Studies show girls have been getting more insecure?

The follow up articles have been even more interesting…

Two independent studies were released in Europe today suggesting that not only are women in America getting more attractive, they may also be significantly less happy than in years past. In efforts to adhere to the scientific method, European scientists have reached out to American experts to confirm their findings. Fortunately for science, the Long Island Ass Holes Association has been monitoring these trends for over 50 years. Reports are now surfacing that most ass holes have actually been aware of these trends since the mid-nineties.

Joey Brojoe, LIAHA’s acting president, could not be reached for comment as he has been in the Hamptons for nearly three months this summer clubernating. While this routine has never been fully documented it is allegedly the opposite of hibernating and it involves nightclubs. Mr. Brojoe’s press secretary, Adam Mantanner released this statement to the press on Monday.

“Are those Euro-fags serious? They just figured this out, even my 12 year old nephew Ricky knows about all the distressed tail out there right now. This country is filled with sad mamas. I practically trip over them on my way to the beach/club. Just look around dude! There are two in my kitchen right now. Hey Gina, hey Marissa! Come on out and talk to this reporter. Now I know what you’re thinking, your thinking clearly these mommies are nines if not dimes, but do they have deep seeded feelings of insecurity and lack of purpose? Well let me answer that question by reminding you they are in my kitchen.”

Mr. Mantanner was not alone in his confidence. Fellow LIAHA member Brent Gymmission was equally enthusiastic about the accuracy of their data. Brent told reporters he had “gotten his freak on 83 times in the last 5 years” and although he didn’t have hard data he estimated that “Almost 50% of those bitches cried at some point the next morning.” When asked if he thought these numbers were flukes Mr. Gymmission responded, “Forget about it!”

Questions have arisen as to why these findings were not released to the public or the scientific community. Mr. Brojoe explained in detail.

“Listen Bra, we had been waiting for an event like this for half a century. Some years the chicks were hot, but they were all self-confident and optimistic. Other years they were lonely and desperate as hell, but they were all Ugly Betty’s. Ass holes have been watching girls on the east coast since WWII. We never expected such a correlation. This was a once in a lifetime event! We’ve had a couple super computers crunching numbers in Nassau County for ten years. When these numbers started coming in about how sad and attractive everyone was getting, we couldn’t believe it. Our early warning system triggered a silent alarm just before spring break in 1995, that’s why the ass holes were out in force that year. You thought we were gonna share that information? You think we’re stupid? Remember, the first year of girls gone wild? how could you forget, 1995 son, holler atcha boy strong island represent!”


One Response to “Girls getting more attractive and more sad? Say I won’t know this already!”

  1. Geo July 29, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    Yo Joey, me and my boy Tony were reading this drinking our Myoplex protien shakes and thought “I’m so fucking strong.” The ladies love it. I will do pushups on these studies.

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