If you’re looking for the D-baggiest peacock of them all, your search is over my friends. Grab a seat by me at the party and I guarantee you will regret it with every ounce of your soul. Don’t think for one second that you are going to get out of this night without hearing me regurgitate a soulless rendition of Santeria, don’t even think about it! Do you not see the acoustic guitar in the corner? Are you unaware of my inflated sense of talent? Watch as I make an uncomfortable transition from our current conversation to a new discussion about the ten greatest songs ever. “Speaking of the war in Afghanistan, don’t you guys feel like Tangled Up in Blue by Bob Dylan is one of the greatest songs ever? Don’t tell me you guys haven’t heard that song! Hold on one second… let me just grab my guitar real quick.” And just like that all of your nights are ruined. Please, feel free to sit by helplessly as I systematically drive every attractive girl into the kitchen. Stand slack-jawed as I uncomfortably demand that my audience participate in my production of Sympathy for the Devil. “OK, now everyone on my left, I want to hear a chorus of “wooot-wooos!” Wow, that predictably did not work at all. Jesus H Christ I am a D-bag. Did you feel that cold breeze just now? That was from me sucking all likelihood of a hook-up out of this party. Do you hear that? No, not the up-tempo version of that shitty Uncle Kracker song I’m playing, of course you hear that, I mean can you hear that other sound? That is the sound of twenty different taxicabs simultaneously converging on this house party like medevac helicopters at a Vietnam drop zone. Wait, don’t leave everyone, I haven’t even plugged in my amp yet. Oh well, it’s not like I’m not going to record all these songs and post them on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Myspace, and Gchat. I guess you guys can catch the rest of my set online, I’m pretty viral these days. Well, it looks like my night was a success. I received copious amounts of negative attention while still maintaining this shit-eating grin. Go me, I am musical peacock extraordinaire.