Don’t go to the strip club this Valentine’s Day, it won’t be like you imagined it would be.

12 Feb

I think the statement I am making is that I hate love, but I am so lonely I am confused

It turns out that the most ironic thing you can do this Valentines Day is… show someone genuine affection? That right folks, we have become so cynical that expressing love this Valentines Day will be the surprising twist that no one is expecting! Think about it, what if you skip out on that Anti-Valentines Day party your friends are throwing and simply bring someone you care about flowers? Wouldn’t that be zany? Or wait, what if instead of sending a derogatory and somewhat offensive Anti-Valentines Day e-card to a friend, you actually send a thoughtful card to someone special. Now wouldn’t that be out of the blue! Anyways, if you don’t heed my advice, and you have to express bitterness this V-Day, here are some things you definitely should not do.

Top ten Anti-Valentines Day ideas that are bound to backfire

10) I would tell you not to drive to Canada for a night of icebreakers in your mandatory business casual attire, but I have a feeling no one will be making this trip. Wow this seems terrible. P.S. I really hope this site still shows single people in go-carts at the top.

9) Please don’t go to this party. Do you really want to dig through all the old pictures of your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? Didn’t think so. Your ex isn’t thinking about you right now, do you really want to be thinking about him/her. Also, don’t underestimate how unattractive your ex’s photo will look when compared to everyone else’s.

8.) To be fair, I am trying to be funny, but I couldn’t have made this up. Whatever you do, don’t go to the circus by yourself and then adopt a pet! I couldn’t possibly think of anything lonelier. I am speechless.

7) No! Don’t buy these candies! Are you sending these to someone as a joke? Are you serving them at your bitter singles only party? It doesn’t matter. No one wins. Most of these have no humorous value. They are just devastatingly accurate.

For example, “PEAKED AT 17.” – Ouch, that one is going to hit home for 65% of the ladies out there. “4EVER ALONE” – Get it? The 4ever means forever, as in – you will die alone, now thats a knee slapper. “RETURN MY CDS” – Who really uses CDs anymore? This one reminds the reader that, not only is he/she not dating, he/she hasn’t dated since 2002. Last but not least, “SO SO LONELY.” – Wow, now we’re laughing. I can see the police reading this one now, “No foul play here Sergeant, look at the candy in her pocket, definitely a suicide.”

6) Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Arbor Day, I don’t care… don’t hang out with either of these people. I can’t tell what bothers me more… that this question was asked, or that it was so expertly answered?

5) This Anti-V-Day you probably shouldn’t listen to Linkin Park in your room while sketching gothic themed pencil drawings.

Also, you probably shouldn’t sew patches on your backpack after you’ve finished arbitrarily ripping holes in your jeans.

4) This Anti-V-day, don’t just sit there Indian style on a dock with Jeff Daniels Dumb and Dumber hair. Don’t blame yourself for the inconveniences of a time traveling island. Also, don’t half-heartedly toss your engagement ring into a lake with your left hand, especially when there is a hotty boom boody sitting next to you. Put a ring on it buddy!

3) I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this person hates Valentines Day more than you do. Just do me a favor and stay away from this site.

2) Are you feeling lonely this Anti-Valentines Day? Why don’t you play this ghetto ass game? Watch as the marginally attractive, semi-literate, and fully unengaged host explains the process. The best line of this video is definitely, “and we’ve got darts, so…” It’s almost like she throws herself off of her game when she realizes the audience members might have a 90″ by 90″ cork board at their house. Also, do you think the director yelled cut several times during filming to yell, “more sadness, I want more defeat, think more lonely people!” He definitely took the wind guard off the boom mic on purpose by the way. There is a desert wind sound softly blowing in the background to remind you how alone you are, nice.

1) Don’t go to a strip club. I know what your thinking, what better way to stick it to the happy couples out there then by watching some 19 year old gyrate her way to minimum wage? Let me respond to your question with a question of my own, have you ever been silently judged by a stripper? It doesn’t feel good. Imagine your lonely dollar, laying crumpled on the Windex polished stage, in some way a metaphor for your life, as the stripper leans over to pick it up. Now imagine the look she will be giving everyone. Her mouth will say nothing, but her look will say everything. Her look will say, “I may be a stripper, but you’re here on Valentine’s Day, so we’re in the same boat. In fact, I just took your money. For that reason alone, today is the day that I am better than you. Thank you for your dollar, may the lord have mercy on your soul.” There is also the chance that you will run into this guy while he is doing stripper outreach. You will feel so guilty your heart will break in half cartoon style and your shadow will walk away from you disgusted. Still want to go to the club? Didn’t think so.


One Response to “Don’t go to the strip club this Valentine’s Day, it won’t be like you imagined it would be.”

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